Tough Conversations - Death, Trauma, and Grief

1. Trauma is like no other experience. It brings out reactions you may have never seen before, nor your child has ever experienced.
    
2. Your child may not have control over his behavior because the terror he experienced has left him feeling out of control. It may be that terror which is driving his behaviors.
    
3. As long as a child’s behavior is not hurting others or himself, it is okay.
    
4. If your child’s behavior is upsetting to you, it is best to talk with a trauma specialist before reacting because these behaviors need special intervention.

1. Trauma destroys a child’s sense of safety and security. They will need time to feel again and to feel you can protect them.
    
2. As a parent of a traumatized child, it will be very difficult to see your child return to behaviors he engaged in years earlier, to see them act entirely different than the child you knew them to be before the trauma. They need you to be patient.
    
3. Whatever behaviors they turn to after their trauma, no matter how strange or frightening they are for you, it is your child’s attempt to feel powerful and safe again. be patient. Do not push them to change or to stop until you have consulted a trauma specialist.

1. Whatever the age, any trauma needs to be followed by a lot of nurturing.
    
2. Let your child eat what he/she wants, follow you around or even withdraw for a while. Your child may want to be taken care of, to have fewer demands.
    
3. Spend more time with your child the first several weeks.

1. A terrorized child, adolescent, or adult will find it difficult to concentrate and remember even the simplest of things.
    
2. A terrorized individual will be forgetful. He can even forget what he was doing or talking about five minutes earlier.
    
3. You need to simplify everything for several weeks. Do not expect more. Do not introduce new challenges. This is a time to protect your child from stress. It really needs to be an “all the cookies and milk I want” time for traumatized children.

1. Reinforce that you understand that his reactions are not unusual following his experience.
    
2. Learn what trauma reactions can be expected and let your child know what he may yet experience.

You should be concerned when your child:

• Has trouble sleeping, is afraid to sleep alone or be left alone even for short periods of time.
• Is easily startled (terrorized) by sounds, sights, smells similar to those that existed at the time of the event – a car backfiring may sound like the gun shot that killed someone; for one child, his dog pouncing down the stairs brought back the sound of his father falling down the stairs and dying.
• Becomes hyper-vigilant – forever watching out for and anticipating that they are about to be or are in danger.
• Seeks safety “spots” in his environment, in whatever room he may be in at the time. Children who sleep on the floor instead of in their bed after a trauma do so because they fear the comfort of a bed will let them sleep so hard they won’t hear the danger coming.
• Becomes irritable, aggressive, acting tough, provoking fights.
• Verbalizes a desire for revenge.
• Acts as if he is no longer afraid of anything or anyone (and in the face of danger, responds inappropriately, verbalizing that nothing ever scares him anymore).
• Forgets recently acquired skills.
• Returns to behaviors he had previously stopped, i.e. bed wetting, nail biting, or developing disturbing behaviors such as stuttering.
• Withdraws and wants less to do with his friends.
• Develops headaches, stomach problems, fatigue, and other ailments not previously present.
• Becomes accident-prone, taking risks he had previously avoided, putting himself in life threatening situations, reenacting the event as a victim or a hero.
• Develops school problems including a drop in grades and difficulty concentrating.
• Develops a pessimistic view of the future, losing his resilience to overcome additional difficulties, losing hope, losing his passion to survive, play and enjoy life.

While these changes are not unusual, they often go unnoticed or fail to bring a helping response from adults. These changes can and do become permanent when the child does not receive appropriate help. Often children suffer silently for years with their terror until one or several of these changes become so intense and problematic that someone says something. Unfortunately, years later few people are likely to associate these reactions to the child’s earlier trauma. The help given often misses the mark. This further increases the child’s sense of helplessness and failure.

• Changes in eating (less or more)
• Changes in sleep (less or more)
• Significant loss of energy
• Nausea
• Headaches
• Stomach aches

• Persistent anxiety
• Hopes of reunion with deceased
• Desire to die
• Clinging to others
• Absence of all grief
• Strong resistance to forming new attachments
• Expression of only negative or only positive about the deceased

• Aggression, displays of power
• Withdrawal; regression
• Overachieving syndrome
• Inability to focus, concentrate
• Self destructive behaviors
• Excessive daydreaming
• Compulsive care-giving
• Accident-prone
• Stealing, other illegal activities
• Use/abuse of drugs/alcohol
• Unable to speak of the deceased

• Inability to concentrate
• Confused or distorted thinking

There is no way to begin to grieve without understanding how someone died or what the reality of the situation is...consider how differently you feel if a loved one is killed in an unavoidable accident or a reckless incident or an intentionally perpetrated act or a suicide. Our grief is dependent upon the circumstances of the loss, and the only information to ever give children is the truth. The only variable in that element is the amount of detail. It is not necessary to give gory or frightening details. But if there is information you are choosing to withhold, be honest about that. This is respectful of their integrity and the only way to maintain trust.

The reality will sink in at different rates for different children. Because of denial, a common initial response to tragedy, it will be necessary for adults to repeat details of the event until the children really grasp it.

Some students will want to talk about their favorite memories of the person who has died. Some will do better drawing pictures, doing collages or writing a letter to the family. One suggestion in either leading classroom discussion on this or encouraging writing/art is to suggest that they focus on their regret and appreciation about this person. With younger children choose simpler words or define the meaning of regret and appreciation. This is an essential part of grief work.

We grieve in the environment of the loss...that means that the children may not be able to go home and process the loss with parents, who didn’t know the deceased in the context of the school in the way the student did. For youth to really mend from the loss, the school needs to facilitate a means for youth to have a period of grieving as well as a time when that formal grieving is over. Reminisce, say good-bye, and get on with life. This may be as simple as tree planting or as organized as a memory activity for the school. Remember that doing this is the statement that the community of the school as a whole is done with the formal period of grieving, but that this in no way suggests that individuals are over their grief.

The younger the student, the more there may be need for reassurance. When one person dies, it is not uncommon for children to generalize and fear that other special people will die in the same way. We cannot promise children that another person won’t die, but it is reassuring to point out that it makes sense to us that they might have that fear, but that we do not expect this kind of death to happen again soon to anyone we know. Of course, if the death were one in which you anticipate other deaths to follow, you would be honest about that. All reassurances must be honest and without promises of things over which we have no control. point out that it makes sense to us that they might have that fear, but that we do not expect this kind of death to happen again soon to anyone we know. Of course, if the death were one in which you anticipate other deaths to follow, you would be honest about that. All reassurances must be honest and without promises of things over which we have no control.

It is not helpful to idealize the person who has died. If students (or staff) are painting the deceased as a superhuman angel of some sort, it is helpful to point out that he/she was just human like the rest of us, with strengths and weaknesses. Help them realize that making someone else sound perfect is not what makes us miss them...it is the love and caring that was shared that brings about the pain of grief when we lose someone special

Often a family will redefine a child’s role when someone dies. If a father dies it is important not to expect the oldest son to be the man of the house. He is still just the oldest son. The child may have more work to do at home, but he is still just a child, and needs the support and room to be so. Watch that this general caution is also respected at school, and that we do not lay additional expectations on grieving students, but instead that we support them in their grief.

Children move in and out of grieving, sometimes rather quickly with many transitions in a single day. When they are playing and laughing, it is not disrespectful – it is a healthy reprieve, though temporary, from the pain of the loss. Encourage them to go outside for recess and enjoy the parts of life they can... and be there to support them when they move back into the tears and sadness.

Children often choose their words carefully if they think that what they are saying might make you cry – they think that their words are adding to your grief. They do not understand that they are just providing you an opportunity to let out a few of the tears you already had inside you. Model for them that sadness and tears are a part of grief and that there is nothing they might say or ask that you would want them to withhold.

Any memorial activity you plan will be more effective for students if they feel some sense of ownership. Ask them for their ideas of what a most fitting tribute might be. If you are aware that a student who has experienced a family death is not being included in the planning of the family memorial service or funeral, and if you know the parents well enough to do so, consider suggesting to them that they include the children in the planning.

If you are stuffing down your unresolved grief, it is awfully difficult not be giving children nonverbal messages that we would rather they did not talk about the tough stuff. Realize that the more of your own grief work you have done, the better you will be at supporting them in theirs.